(satire)
An important Agent Orange Vaccine update for Vietnam War Veterans!
The ongoing Vietnam War Veterans Health Awareness clinical trial study that began more than fifty years ago is approaching the halfway mark to completion and has now reached a worthy milestone discovery.
BACKGROUND: In 1975, the National Vaccine Association (NVA) teamed up with the acclaimed Vaccine Council (VC) to research the devastating effects of Agent Orange on Vietnam Veterans. The primary goal of the study is to evaluate the clinical data and determine the efficacy of developing a single vaccine that could potentially eradicate the negative effects of Agent Orange exposure and resolve most, if not all, Veterans’ health issues.
SPONSORS: The NVA and VC, both of which are prominent political donors, received a conservative one-billion-dollar annual funding grant from one of the many unidentified Federal National Government departments (FNGs). However, to ensure that the study remains completely randomized and non-partisan, transparent oversight has been assigned to a separate, previously unidentified governmental department, the anonymous Antivax Agency (AA).
PRELIMINARY RESULTS: Although the data gathered and needed to support creating a vaccine remains elusive, we are pleased to announce a significant and positive update that reveals the blind clinical trial’s preliminary findings show encouraging results. It appears that the catastrophic illnesses, cancers, and side effects from Agent Orange exposure are dying off and will continue to diminish naturally over time. This evidence is supported by the fact that we now have fewer patients seeking treatment, and we are receiving far fewer Agent Orange disability claims than we did just ten years ago. In fact, even now in this early stage of the study, Veteran enrollment is also declining. This unexpected finding leads us to theorize (note: more funded research is needed) that, eventually, thanks to the exhaustive length of the trial, a vaccine may not be needed at all. Thus, saving the government millions of dollars that can be used toward the funding of future studies.
CONCLUSION: Even though the efficacy of this theory has not yet been fully proven, we feel confident that the second half and potential follow-up phases of the study are not only critically necessary but will also support our initial findings that “attrition is the solution”. Ultimately, time itself and the natural expiration of the Vietnam War Veteran population will be the definitive Agent Orange cure. Thanks to this important ongoing successful study, the NVA and VC fully expect that ALL of the Vietnam War Veterans’ health issues will be completely resolved in the coming decades.
All conclusions and theories contained within are contingent upon and subject to established disciplinary standards of future peer reviews. The next scheduled clinical trial update is in the year 2525… if funding is still alive!
Thank you for your patience and for your service.
\\ ******************** //
Author note: My attempt at satire on the subject of the above article is not intended to make light of the deadly serious issue, but rather to raise awareness. I take the effects of Agent Orange exposure very seriously as I approach the five-year survival date of my own VA presumptive Agent Orange cancer. I have fully documented my cancer journey for those who may benefit from my diagnosis and treatment experience: https://rucksackgrunt.com/prostate-cancer-a-vietnam…/ Thank you for reading. ~ Robert Kuhn
RUCKSACK GRUNT - A Vietnam Veteran's Memoir 